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So I was thinking the other day....there are so many Jacks in the cinematic/televised world. Jack Bauer, Jack Sheppard,
Jack Donaghy (all of TV fame), and then Jack Sparrow, Jack Twist, and Jack Ryan (from the cinemas). And I wondered, if the
Jack from my favorite TV show in the entire world (you really have no idea how much of a '24' fan I am) and the Jack from
three (or one) of my favorite films (can you count 'Pirates' as one, or would it be three?) were paired up, who would win? Jack
Bauer is my hero. Kiefer Sutherland is a beast. I adore '24' so much that even season six which was less than stellar was
still very awesome and superior over all the other shows on TV. He is so awesome. I mean, it's Jack Bauer! Who can compare?
Well, Jack Sparrow might. I love Johnny Depp. He's incredibly talented and he can never go wrong in a film. And it's Captain
Jack Sparrow! And you know I love my 'Pirates'. So I started to think (I was bored) and I decided to pair these men up. Let's
see how they compare. First off, they both live in a world which is realistic and can perhaps be true to some extent, but
also maintains a sense of the imaginary, because lets face it, curses and undead fish pirates are not real and the world is
no where near as dangerous or terrorism struck as it is in '24'. But Mr. Bauer has one point towards him already; '24' is
at least more real than 'Pirates' is. So Jack Bauer could survive in today's world, but Mr. Sparrow I think would be done
within a day. Bauer also has looks going for him. Is he not totally dreamy? Mr. Sparrow needs to learn to bathe and wash
his clothes. Clearly, cleanliness is not a priority with him. Bauer also knows how to keep fashionable in the line of duty.
He's no James Bond, but he does look good. Sparrow looks good, but I hate the hair and those shoes. Eww. Plus you have
to love Mr. Bauer's devotion to his hooded sweatshirt. Whenever he puts the hood up he thinks he becomes invisible. Not
so, but you must love his imagination. And don't forget his man purse (his green shoulder bag); that thing is lethal. Have
you noticed how stocked full of weaponry it always is? Still, he is missing one thing; Sparrow's got his beloved hat; I think
many of us have become as fond of it as he is now. You rarely see him without his hat. Let's compare how these
two get things done. Jack Bauer is tough. He's a fighter. He kills. He fights. He gets kicked and kicks twice as hard.
He takes nothing from no one. He's a beast. But he lacks Jack Sparrow's wit and charm and ability to negotiate; Bauer's
idea of negotiating is shooting the other when things go wrong. Parlay is not a word he knows. But Mr. Sparrow would rather
run away than fight; Mr. Bauer would NEVER. Unthinkable. Both have a knack for getting into trouble but then being able to
get out of it; but one talks his way out and bargains and gets out with luck; the other kills people and blows things up.
Mr. Bauer is badass, but Mr. Sparrow has style. But I don't think Sparrow would last long in terrorist-torn LA; negotiations
don't work there. The bad guys aren't interested in talking; you talk, you die. You do what you're told or people get hurt.
And sword fighting? So old school. It would never work. If Bauer were stuck with our beloved pirates, however, everything
would all be over in a matter of hours. The movies would not be three hours each (ok I exaggerate). Jack would come in,
get his Black Pearl back, get rid of the curse, find the Dead Man's Chest, kill Davy Jones and his yucky kraken, save everybody,
get rid of Beckett, fix Port Royal and the government, set Calypso free (while keeping her as an ally I must add), and do
it all in 24 hours. And he would do it, too. He would not run like the other Jack or try to weasel his way out; he would
grab his guns or whatever (swords, cannons, maybe nukes and some missiles?) and take care of the mess. Heck, he wouldn't
even get involved with Davy Jones in the first place. Come to think of it, he would probably never even have been mutinied
upon because people would have been too afraid to do so. He is no pushover; beware the wrath of Bauer. Both men
do have a great supporting group following them. Mr. Bauer's friends are mostly dead (Edgar, Tony, Michelle, George, and
Rick) but they were cool. We loved them all. Ever have a tech problem? They would fix it in seconds. Can Jack Sparrow's
friends do that? Can they even prevent wars and death like Mr. Bauer's friends can? And then there's Bill Buchanan and Curtis
and President Palmer (both Wayne and David); how awesome are/were they? Plus Jack Bauer has Chloe. Chloe is awesome. Jack
Sparrow doesn't have Chloe. And Tony!!!! Jack Sparrow does not have Tony. A loss of points right there; oh, Tony, how we
love thee. If only 'Pirates' had Tony Almeida....the world would be perfect. Plus Jack Bauer has access to the government
and top secret things, high security. No one would EVER trust the other Jack with any of that. Bauer has morals (he's no
pirate). And he would NEVER betray his friends. They come first. Always. He has been willing to sacrifice himself countless
times for others, even the country. Jack Sparrow crosses and double crosses and triple crosses everyone including his friends.
If you are a friend of Mr. Sparrow's prepare to be betrayed and given up at least once. But his friends are cool too. Pirates
are cool. Will, Elizabeth, Barbossa....need I say more? Sure they tend to be a bit stiff and one-sided unlike Mr. Bauer's
companions, but we still like them. But this Jack doesn't sacrifice himself willingly, and he doesn't like to put others
before him, not usually. He always comes through in the end, but in the end, not before. Both guys also get cool
weapons. I'm not much of a weapons girl, I don't fancy guns and explosives and such, but I think swords are cool, and both
men have plenty of ammunition at their disposal which gets the job done. Jack Sparrow does have a big cool boat, which Jack
Bauer does not have. Only expensive gas guzzling SUVs. Not for me. Both men also face horrible bad guys. Terrorists are
the worst; look what they've done to LA! The world! Horrible, cruel men. All they care about is death, destruction, and
doom. No concern for anyone but themselves. But what about undead pirates? Not as real a threat as terrorists in today's
world, and Jack Sparrow ended up allying with one of them, but corrupt government officials run rampant here as well, bent
on destoying these pirates we like. Beckett is not a nice person. And Davy Jones? Who compares? He's almost the very epitome
of evil. And that awful kraken of his! And that horrible boat! It seems as if that vile man fish and his fish people friends
are just as lethal as Mr. Bauer's terrorists. Compare how they fare with their enemies. Jack Bauer will fight
to the death. He's suffered so much from them: torture, death, destruction, more torture, more death (two years in a Chinese
prison for Pete's sake!) and yet he never quits. He almost did, but he didn't. He couldn't. He keeps coming. He's been
beaten, abused, humiliated, nearly killed countless times; and yet he's still here. He even survived an addiction to coke
(which he kicked; I don't see Jack Sparrow trying to end his addiction to rum...). Sure Jack Sparrow spent who knows how
long in Davy Jones' Locker (to me that seems worse than a Chinese prison, but only because it's associated with Davy Jones;
give me the Chinese over Mr. Jones any day), but he hasn't been through what Bauer's been through. Not nearly. Mr. Bauer
went mad from torture too, you know. Not to mention the fact that Jack Bauer lost his wife to a so called friend and his
daughter won't even speak to him anymore. Look what he went through in his first 24 hours with regards to his family! At
least with Jack Sparrow his friends don't backstab him as much and even if they do everything is fine in the end. Not so
with Jack no. 1; but even this cannot stop him. Jack Bauer is unstoppable. So how do they compare? Who's the better
hero? Mr. Sparrow has a big boat; he's smart and crafty and clever, witty and suave. He's got style and charm. He's also
got really bad enemies (Jack Bauer does not have Davy Jones and a squid monster). And he's Captain Jack Sparrow. Savvy?
But Mr. Bauer has more competent friends (who are just as cool), plus he's tough as nails. He's been through hell and back
and yet won't give up. He has morals. He's a good person. He's strong and loyal (and crabby). But he lacks charm and wit.
But he has looks on his side (you can't argue that Mr. Sparrow is hotter than Mr. Bauer. You can't.). So who wins? Well,
tell me this. Who would you rather have save the world: someone who could do it in 24 hours and do it right, or someone who
could do it eventually but want to run away instead of doing it? I would much rather have Jack Bauer try to save the world
from terrorists or pirates than Jack Sparrow. You could rest assured that you would be in safe hands and that he would never
betray you, and that the next day it would be all over. Of course, it would keep repeating itself, but you would know that
eventually it would stop. If you had Jack Sparrow, who knows when you would be safe again, and you could never trust him.
Plus there's always the risk of being hung as a pirate or sent down to that locker. Jack Bauer looks better too. So
to me there's really no competition; Jack Bauer is my Jack all the way. Everyone else is vastly inferior. Jack Bauer would
so totally kick Jack Sparrow's butt any day.
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