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Somewhere, Davy Jones is sad. I think after the uber fun that was ‘Pirates 2’ he figured I had warmed up
to him (remember, we don’t like him. At all.). But it was not to be. Not sure how he figured it would be, but…..See,
I ended up loving ‘DMC’. It’s not as well done as ‘Black Pearl’ but it is just as fun and thrilling
and Will is too cool. I also love the horror theme and all those literary references. But for some reason I had misgivings
about this film because ‘DMC’ wasn’t great, and I figured that this one wouldn’t be as good as the
other two. I guessed correctly, because it certainly wasn’t. Mind you, it’s not bad, but the flaws are obvious.
It started out fine, and then halfway through I began to get bored. Bored! I am virtually never bored during a movie. Not
even ‘The Da Vinci Code’ bored me, and that was a bad film. But the pirates saw this and said, ‘No! We’re
losing her! This cannot be!’ And they sought a way to win me back. Did they? Sort of. Read on.
First off, this film is not lacking in spectacle, and it shouldn’t be. ILM is the most amazing effects company
ever, and dude, that maelstrom was totally wicked. It’s A+ for the special effects. And fun is not wanting here either,
although it’s a darker film than either ‘Pearl’ or ‘Chest’. There aren’t as many laughs
and the wit is not all there, but I found some LOL parts and it’s certainly amusing. Another plus is the acting. Johnny
Depp is more his old Jack self here, more so than in ‘Chest’, which is good, but he’s still not up to par
with his Jack self in ‘Pearl’. Geoffrey Rush is back again which is totally awesome, and Orlando Bloom….Will
rocks hard core. Seriously! He turns into a smarter version of Jack and he’s just so awesome. I love how he tries
to be so noble and honorable but realizes he can’t anymore (or maybe doesn’t want to?) and takes a leaf or two
from Jack’s playbook. The scene with Will/Beckett/Davy and tea is the greatest ever. Will rocks hard core. And then
of course there’s Bill, who is my bff, and would have made this film so wonderful if he didn’t have an octopus
sitting on his head again. But Bill is awesome as always, despite the cephalopod accessory. Keith Richards is actually here
this time, and though I hear he filmed his scene drunk, he plays the part well and is a nice addition. Unlike Mr. Yun Fat
he doesn’t feel so out of place.
Oh, this poor film. It tries so hard…There are great moments here, and there are not so great moments. It’s
tricky, because the not so great moments outnumber the great moments, but at the same time it’s ‘PotC’ and
I wanted to like it and it is really fun. But now for the not so great moments. First off there are a lot of ‘what
the hell’ moments in this film: Calypso the 50 foot woman? Seriously. The film’s only F. A million Jacks?
I hope that’s not what purgatory is really like (interesting how the locker is more or less purgatory; interesting how
they explain the locker and purpose and all that.). Davy in a bucket? That is so cheating. Shame on you. And how did he
get in the bucket in the first place? Davy crying? WTH times ten (see below for ‘sympathy for Davy’ in this
film versus ‘hate for Davy’ in the previous film). Human Davy? Dude! Seriously! WTF?? (gotta love human Davy’s
deer in the headlights look, haha!) I also had an issue with Chow Yun Fat. He wasn’t really there! They made him seem
like some big player in the story and then he’s hardly ever on screen and he dies halfway through. Not cool. He’s
great in his role, but he seems like an accessory, not a necessity. Also problematic were the convoluted story lines. I
am usually pretty good at sorting out everything that’s going on in any given film, but this one gave me issues. There
are times when you have no idea what’s going on or why. For instance, why Barbossa was brought back is never really
explained. And how Sao Feng got the Pearl from Will and how they found him and where Beckett came from is also confusing.
There are so many story threads here that’s is easy to lose track of someone or something. This also doesn’t
seem to be Jack’s film anymore because he’s not always there, but still a lot of the action happens because of
him so I guess maybe it is his movie. And what on earth was up with Davy Jones? He goes from being some psycho freak in
‘DMC’, all Lovecraftian and stuff and then turns into this sad, abused (!!) little thing. So now were supposed
to feel sorry for him? The devil shall get no sympathy from me (though he’s asking for it). The movie is also TOO
LONG. It feels like it’s taking forever. You should never feel like a movie is taking for ever, and you should never
wish it would hurry up and end. This is a red flag in films. Needless to say, many red flags were raised here. I was about
to give this film a C or C+, but this was also not to be, because it suddenly turned good halfway through, and the end is
oh so exciting and does not in any way deserve a C.
 Davy Jones is sad. He wishes he was cool like Clint Eastwood, but he's not.
Anyways, what with all the issues I was having and how frusturated I was getting, I couldn’t help but notice how
this movie seemed to be directed towards me. Maybe it knew it woudn’t be very good or well received (by me) so it added
certain things to appease me. And you know, it worked. First off, the entire film plays out like an old Western. If ‘DMC’
was a horror film, this was a Western. And not just any Western, those Clint Eastwood/Sergio Leone Westerns. Most noticeably
was the parley scene which shares similarities with ‘A Fistful of Dollars’ and the exchange of Marisol for the
bandit. And the music is totally ‘Man With a Harmonica’. There is very little difference between that piece
and the parley piece. And the whole idea that two groups with differing ideals cannot coexist and must fight to win/survive
is a big theme in Westerns. Also notice the camera angles and shots used in the parley scene. It echoes Leone’s style
of filming. And Will, Beckett, and Davy…the good, the bad, and the ugly indeed (more like the totally awesome, the
really bad, and the quite hideous). Oh, but the best, the icing on the cake was the scene on the Pearl where Davy comes back
and gets mad at Tia Dalma. See, if you’ve seen ‘For a Few Dollars More’ (the greatest) you know of the
end where Clint Eastwood does his awesome pocket watch thing where he totally saves Mortimer and shows up Indio. Clint Eastwood
is the shiz. Well, Davy apparently decided that if he did the Clint Eastwood thing I would find it so cool and would think
he’s pretty shiztastic like Mr. Eastwood too. Did not happen. I was not impressed. Total awesomeness fail. He comes
out of the shadows with the locket going like the pocket watch and acts all tough and does his Clint Eastwood bit, but the
only feeling you are left with is not ‘This is cool, a homage to Eastwood!’, but instead is closer to ‘Dude,
what are they doing?’. So poor Davy makes an idiot of himself in the end (and judging by the look on his face as Tia
Dalma puts the shame down on him and totally chews him out, he realizes it too). At any rate, the whole Westernish theme
of the film doesn’t ruin it, but they don’t really succeed here as they do with the horror theme in ‘DMC’.
Still, it’s a nice homage, and I actually find it pretty awesome (‘cause I love Sergio Leone…).
To conclude, the film is fun. It is entertaining. Will is awesome. It is funny and the last 40 minutes during
the maelstrom fight is the best part of the film. Totally wicked. But it’s definitely the weakest of the trilogy.
Alas poor Davy; he went through such great lengths here to win me over after ‘DMC’…he kills his kraken,
he suffers untold abuse at the hands of Beckett, he tries to be awesome by playing Clint Eastwood, and he even sacrifices
himself! What more could I ask for? He dies! And so does his yucky kraken! He even turned human as if to say, ‘Look!
I am not really some slimey squishy thing. I was handsome once! And I look like Bill!’. But in the end it’s
a big fail. Part of me wants to like this film, a lot, and the other part can’t get over the issues with it. So in
the end my allegiance is torn: to like it or not to like it? Do I band with my fellow critics who panned it or do I side
with the mostly common audience who generally greatly enjoyed it? We know what the movie wants, we know what he wants, but
for now I can’t decide. I suggest you see it to decide for yourself. You will either be disappointed or you won’t
be. There doesn’t seem to be much middle ground. I wasn’t totally disappointed, but even so. Davy can beg and
grovel and plead at my feet and pretend to be James Bond or even Indiana Jones or Clint Eastwood as much as he likes but it
probably won’t do him much good. Now, if he did a Jack Bauer….but even yet, my heart goes to Will. He is my
new bff. And the end to his story…too sad.
SPOILER ALERT
I am convinced that Davy killed Will because Will is awesome and I like him and Davy is jealous. If not jealous then
sad that I will not pick him and chose Will instead. It’s a conspiracy.
Best quote: There are actually many good ones. But I’ll pick ‘I blame the fish people’. Oh
yeah. Oh, and ‘What is it you want most?’ is likely something you’ll be saying often from now on.
Best moment: Jack gets punched. Too classic. But Jack and Davy duking it out is also really awesome. And parley,
which was put there just for me, I know it. Parley rocks my socks. And finally, the greatest, Will chugs tea, Davy freaks
out, and Beckett thinks it’s the most hysterical thing ever. Rock hard, Will.
Worst moment: Setting Calypso free. Probably the only F I’ve ever given a scene. What was that. A lot of
those ‘what the hell’ moments, by the way, weren’t really bad, they just made you go ‘what the hell?’
and do a double check. Like human Davy, crying Davy, Davy in a buckett, and the ship of a thousand Jacks (there’s a
lot of Davy doing weird things here, isn’t there?).
Why you should see it: Bill Nighy! He gets a cameo! (ok, I swear, someone put that in there for me too; just before
I went to see this film for the first time I thought, 'What if they did this and we found out what Davy was like before he
made friends with an octopus?' AND LOOK WHAT THEY ADDED Conspiracies abound!) Keith Richards is here too; and Chow Yun
Fat, who is pretty much the epitome of awesomeness (aside from Clint Eastwood).....plus it's 'Pirates' and it's awesome and
that speaks for itself. It's a dazzling film, and clearly these people know what they're doing. Character development is
also very strong (Will is a good example of this). And did I mention Bill? (they also pull a ‘24’ at the end
here again as in film 2—namely, someone gets offed who you never thought would be—which I think is pretty cool.
Do the writers/director/etc. watch ‘24’? How awesome would it be if they did…..)
Why you should choose something else: Well, the story is very convoluted, it gets confusing, they've really screwed
with well known stories (like old sea stories and ‘The Odyssey’—you know you’ve heard of Calypso before...yup)
here and it doesn't work, too many things are left unanswered, and it's WAY TOO LONG. There are also many 'what the hell'
moments, as I like to call them. Moments which make you go 'what the hell were they thinking' or dare I say 'what were they
on?'. Oh, and the film is *too long.*.
OMG
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